Tara, the very unusual woman who I wrote about in Part 1 and Part 2 earlier this week, compiled this list and the notes that follow. I have only done minimal editing to take it from friend-to-friend email format to blog format. Every resource listed here comes solely from what Tara has found helpful in her journey of grief and restoration thus far.
In case you haven't read the story from Part 1, here's what happened: Tara & her husband Trey were surprised to discover they were pregnant, just as she was finishing up grad school and they were moving back to their hometown, especially since Tara was on birth control at the time. Tara was basically sick for the next twenty weeks. She had severe hyperemesis, losing up to 17 pounds, tossing her cookies at every turn, and struggling to find some semblence of the life she had known before-- the life of a dancer, a student, a devoted friend. Right at 20 weeks, lots of little details began to go wrong until it was confirmed that Scout was no longer alive. Tara delivered Scout on December 15, 2009 and is now on a journey no one ever expected.
As you can read in the previous posts, Tara has forged ahead with great courage, but also tears and many moments of deep fear. She is pursuing a new life for herself and her husband because they are forever changed by this experience. I can literally feel my heart swell with pride for her when I consider how vulnerable she is allowing herself to be by letting me share all of this.
Enough from me. Here's Tara Beth's list of resources, in her own words. Share them with the people who need them. Maybe you need them.
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Journaling :: a suggestion in many grief resources, I was a journaler before all of this so it was only natural to continue. Writing gets some of those broken record thoughts out of your head, and some of the untruths that you tell yourself too. Looking back at old entries can be very revealing- you can see that maybe you were being very irrational one day, or how far you have come.
Honoring our child in many ways:: Collecting mementos, I'm making a scrapbook to include ultrasound photos & the few pics we have of me pregnant, we made our own thank you notes to send out that have ties to our baby, we put up butterflies on the wall in our room for symbolism & we're planting a butterfly garden in the fall that will have my stepping stone (with Scout's name and delivery date) in it, I bought a piece of jewelry with my child's name on it, we have 'unofficial' birth certificates that the hospital made for us, we framed the hand and foot prints, name your child, take photos (the hospital did this for us- thank goodness), my mom is making Christmas ornaments based on the characters on the thank you notes, etc. Do whatever you need to do to validate your child's existence!
Be easier on yourself! We are taught to forgive others, why do we have such a hard time forgiving ourselves?! It's the mommy guilt- which happens when you have perfectly healthy children too. You are human and flawed and you will have thoughts about yourself that are untrue and even if they are- look at your circumstances and say, 'I did the best i could at THAT moment in time'. I have to repeat this over and over like a mantra. I often think I could have 'done more' or 'eaten more' during my pregnancy and then I remember what a joke that is. I could hardly eat anything at all- it was really THAT bad. Even on a 'good day', like when I was able to be at Hope's parents' house for our friend's engagement party, I spent the whole night back and forth to the bathroom feeling like I was going to vomit everywhere and had a horrible migraine. So even though I wasn't in the hospital and I ate dinner and was a part of society for part of the night- there were other things that were continuing to happen in my body that I couldn't control.
Talking with other women/couples/families who have been through the same experience:: No matter what, unless someone else has been there, they just will not be able to understand the depth and complexity of the pain you are feeling; it doesn't mean that you don't want the support of those who haven't been there (this is crucial), but sometimes it is very validating to speak with others living the experience. I also consider these conversations a nice 'normalcy' check in, they can let me know what other REAL people are feeling and doing. It helps to know that I am not insane or beyond help or moving on too fast.
KinderMourn:: One lady who reached out to me said that she and her husband attended a KinderMourn group to talk with other families. These groups are for people who have lost children of all ages, so my friend said that some women don't like these groups b/c they are not specifically focused on the loss of a baby, but others love connecting with any family who has experienced a loss. (Trey & I haven't decided about this kind of thing yet...we talk a lot with each other and we are getting some advice from our pastor, so we'll see.)
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss, Inc.:: I now receive their newsletter. Again, the national website gives you contact information for local chapters and we don't have one in our town, so it would involved travel. But, their info is much more specific to the loss of a baby. There is also a national conference for people to share stories, prevent perinatal loss, spread awareness, etc.
This article from The American Journal of Occupational Therapy :: written by Mary Forhan, an OT that had a stillborn baby. Takes a look at the way this impacts your habits, roles, routines, and other family members. [Aside from Hope: Tara had just finished OT school when she found out she was pregnant with Scout.]
String of Pearls:: They have helped me plan the memorial service and sent me two EXCELLENT books: A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. This book is great for anyone who has experienced ANY kind of loss. And The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. This is a year-long devotional by a woman who carried two babies with terminal diagnoses. She acknowledges your feelings and gives you specific places in the Bible relevant to your loss. I also LOVE reading the blogs of other women linked on the website. They make me cry every time, but they validate my feelings and give me hope that I can have other children! *I also referred my friend Marie, who is going through a similar situation, to String of Pearls and I think they are helping her a lot.
Molly Piper's blog :: GREAT stuff. [Molly is John Piper's daughter-in-law and had a stillborn child, Felicity. She offers great insight into how those on the outside can be supportive of our grieving friends.] Don't just read the 'grief' blogs, but the 'Felicity' blogs too. She doesn't dance around the 'right' words or hide her feelings. I was so struck by some things she wrote. She even hid her pregnancy after Felicity's passing because of FEAR. Bingo! She wrote that even after having a healthy baby boy after Felicity, she still didn't feel resolved to the situation. She still felt that her womb was a 'place of death' and that God was going to keep using her suffering to 'make an example out of her', etc. I have had those very same feelings. Maybe I can't have children just so God can use my misery in some way? Lots of thoughts like that creep in and take over sometimes.
New Living Translation Study Bible:: Written in plain English, with lots of info down at the bottom of the pages to put a context around the verses and what they really mean. We shouldn't twist the Word into something it isn't, so this is helpful. (I'm sure many other versions are great too! I just wasn't getting what I NEEDED from our Couples Bible.)
My 'Book bundle' from Amazon.com:: These I think would be great for moms, dads, grandparents, or anyone close to someone experience a loss. They can give you real insight into the hurdles that these families face in both dealing with the loss and trying for more children. The first book I read was Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis. This book has been praised time and again as an excellent resource. I am almost finished reading Trying Again by Ann Douglas. This one was written specifically for parents who lost their first baby! This was great for me because even the local women who have been in touch with me all had at least one other child at home when they lost their babies. Not that already having a child makes this so much more bearable, but you have proof that your body CAN do this, you have somewhere to channel your parenting and love, and you have tangible reassurance that this doesn't happen with EVERY pregnancy. This book also doesn't leave anything out- it prepares you with a ton of info for trying again, including access to the 'extras' you might want during a subsequent pregnancy and it also brings up the issue that your next pregnancy might result in a loss and how to handle (or if you're prepared) to handle that. My next book to read is Pregnancy After a Loss by Carol Lanham. These books made me feel like it was okay to be angry at the myriad of pregnancy books on the market that don't even mention or address loss. I have one book that has NOTHING about stillbirth, perinatal loss, SIDS, and only 2 pages on miscarriage.
Hyperemesis.org :: I know this wasn't the loss of my baby, but it was the loss of my life as I knew it and the loss of an enjoyable pregnancy- Hyperemesis Gravidarum. This is my very favorite website.
Talking/emailing my pastor:: Just in planning the memorial service, he has counseled us. I've also emailed him questions or asked him for specific references in the Bible or books written by others dealing with questions I have. One thing I am especially interested in right now is prayer b/c I just don't understand it that well.
Talking about it with friends:: Even if it makes people uncomfortable- email them or bring up the issue. You should not have to act like nothing has happened and if other people are uncomfortable- oh well! [Tara has dubbed herself the "unending fountain of words," but as someone on the outside who WANTS to help so badly but has no clue about what her friend needs, I deeply appreciate Tara's approach in addressing it openly.]
Hope through Heartsongs by Mattie J.T. Stepanek:: I will be reading from this at Scout's memorial service, but anything in his series of Heartsongs books is great! Mattie writes about EVERYTHING- nature, joy, celebration, peace, war, tragedy, hope, fear, etc. You name it- and he only lived to be 13 years old and covered SO many topics. I am especially attached to him and his story for two reasons: 1) Believe it or not, he wrote a trilogy of poems about a baby that died. I discovered this on the way home from a Christmas gathering and just sobbed. I was so moved by his words. I will be reading 'Examination of Faith II' at the service. I instantly felt connected to him since he was so desperately trying to understand what this family friend was going through and how he was going to deal with the death of a baby. 2) His mom, Jennifer, is a BRAVE lady. She has been there and done that, and bought the t-shirt. She has given birth to and buried four children. All four of her children were born with a version of mitochondrial myopathy that could not be detected until after birth. It is very deteriorating and they discovered that she has the adult version of the condition. Your muscles and joints just literally stop working. Mattie lived the longest, and remembered and writes a lot about missing his older brother that passed away. Can you imagine losing 4 of your sweet babies? What I love about their family is that they recognize that EVERY child, no matter age or condition, has a PURPOSE. Mattie hoped to be a peacemaker and a poet, and accomplished those things by age 13. He also wrote often of his siblings, validating their lives and their importance here. Some of the poems are sweet and silly and some of his poems will break your heart. But he does his job as a writer- he makes you FEEL something with the words on the page before you. So, this is not specifically a pregnancy-loss related resource, but something very touching.
Bless- there are probably 100 other suggestions that I have, but many of them came from these resources.
Love,
TB
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