Honest.

Do you know that feeling of being surrounded by people and noise, of knowing there are several people you could call to spend time with right at this moment, but still you feel lonely? Is it just me who is stirred with this feeling more often than, I think, should feel normal?

There was a guy I dated for a very long time and he used to really get worried about me when I would get like this, but I didn't get why, because I thought my feelings were normal. But now I worry about myself too-- not in the "what will happen to me?" way, but in the "I hate that I feel like this but I don't know how to stop it" way. So I ride it out and eventually it goes away for long enough that I forget it, again.

My boyfriend tells me that I spend too much time in the hypothetical. He's right. But when I feel this way, this stress, this house that is so very large but closes in around me, this twitch in my eye that won't go away, these tears that won't roll down my face-- the hypothetical is just easier.

I care too much about my weight right now. I care too much about what my stomach looks like in a bathing suit. I care too much about what particular people think of me-- so much that I doubt I will hit publish on this post because it looks like I'm crying out for help when really it's just cathartic for me to write words. I wrote this post and I feel relief now. I used to write this blog in secret and I always wrote really honest things and somehow I kind of stopped when I knew who was reading it, but here is this post and its truth, and damn it if it isn't the core of me right now.