One-fourth

I suddenly realized recently that I have lived at least one-fourth of my life already. Most of that time was for "growing up." But the more I think about it, that's going to be the way life goes in general. When I'm eighty-five years old, will I look back and think, it was all growing up?

For the past several years, I've been waiting. Waiting to graduate college (done). Then waiting to be engaged (has not happened). Waiting for marriage and children (see previous). Waiting to have a real job (disappointment). Waiting to have my own place (I live with my parents--temporarily...right?). Waiting to get an idea and write a book (hmmm...).

When will I stop waiting?

I am not stuck. Repeat. I am not stuck. I spent my college years planning for a life where I would be happy, not sitting in an office, not miserable in my relationship, not living in a place I hate. I graduated, then spent a year of fun out west. And now with my "real" job and "grown-up" life, I'm unhappy. Strike that, let's call it "situationally depressed." I sit in an office most of the day. Without windows. Begging for more work because I'm so bored. I live in the town where I grew up, which is quite a bit more delightful when visiting. My relationship is the only happy place in my life, and still, it's hard.

Not stuck, not stuck, noooot stuuuuuuuck!!!

So, I'm looking for a new job, in a new town and trying to have a better attitude. Have you ever tried to change you attitude by sheer inner willpower? Does it work for you? Because for me, not so much!

I want to make decisions in my life that might be wrong. I want to risk making the wrong choice for love. I want to move to a whole new city because it's adventurous. I want to write a book.

And I will.

Because I can.