I'm in an airport right now, it's 8:30 AM and there is a very young child eating an ENORMOUS ice cream cone. So for those of you who might be thinking about having children in the future, let me give you a little bit of advice here: that is a mistake. Sure, sure, it makes the kid happy right now, but in 45 minutes when we all get on the same airplane and your kid is in the midst of a sugar high, screaming and laughing and touching my armrest with her sticky little hands and I start flashing you annoyed looks and sighing heavily while rolling my eyes in the general direction of your delinquent offspring, you're going to be sorry you shelled out $6.50 for a waffle cone full of stimulants that are legal to feed your six year old. Do you hear me, happy little family? You'll be sorry.
It's not so much the kids traveling that bother me though. Truly, I know kids will be kids and truth be told, I'd probably give them ice cream too. Heck, any kid that got up at 6:00 AM to catch a flight deserves something. But the trip to Disneyworld they are embarking upon should be enough.
But no, it's not the kids. It's YOU, Mr. Businessman in your perfectly tailored Brooks Brothers suit, argyle socks and black tassled loafers, it's you. You who felt the need to inform your neighbor about every last detail of your sleeping patterns for the past 48 hours, at a decibal so high, I could have sworn you were a politician on the floor of the House, advocating for anti-genocide funds for Darfur. Oh, but nooooo. You're not that savvy. I have to tell you, I feel SO enlightened to know that the bed you slept on in Cleveland last week was too firm for your taste, and that your wife, Susan, got home from work late last Friday so you went out to dinner and she had a steak, but you were way past hunger by that point so you just had a bowl of soup. (What?!?) But at least you were able to sleep in until 8:15 on Saturday. I agree with you, sleeping until that hour IS shocking.
Yes sir, my day is going to go by so much more smoothly now that you have fully disclosed to me and the entire Delta flight 6040, that you do, in fact, drink coffee in the morning, but have steered clear of energy drinks since that incident at the national conference last spring (one can only imagine this had something to do with your penchant for chatting up unexpectant strangers). Ya know, I probably could have helped you out there buddy. I could have told you that any additional morning boost isn't really necessary for a man who attacks the day with your level of zeal!
I bet any one of us on this plane could have told you that. Any one of us on this 6:45 AM flight, slowly sipping our coffees and reading our newspapers and ever so quietly day dreaming about what we would say to shut you up... if we had the energy.
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