I apologize in advance.

I'm sorry.

*Disclaimer: don't click any links unless you're willing to subject yourself to possibly offensive things, which I find hilarious with my sense of humor that is roughly on par with my 17 year old brother. This post is not for the faint of heart.

I never wanted this blog to be whiny and woe-is-me, plight of the single girl garbage. So if you don't come here for that, happy Friday! And don't let the internet bitch-slap you on your way out. Because today, I'm going to have a little rant here on my blog. Because I never promised not to and I DID promise to be authentic, and this is where I am. Welcome to hell.

(Ha ha, okay just kidding about the hell part, I just thought that would be funny and overly dramatic.)

I mentioned already that my best friend is getting married in November. And people? I am in the THROES of party planning. And other people? I LOOOOVE party planning. Why? Because party planning involves everything I love: to-do lists, shopping lists, people to call lists, guest lists, spreadsheets, address books, paper & pens, menus, decorations, pretty pretty twinkle lights (a definite must), presents, candles, delectable food, music, booooooze, friends, laughter and SO MUCH MORE! Truly, I swoooooooon and maybe even drool a little bit when I have reasons to make new folders on my computer and have tab after glorious tab of Excel spreadsheets. And, I love pretty things. And I happen to be really good at shopping (who'da thunk?). I was born to PARTY PLAN.

Next weekend is the Bachelorette party, also known as the DE-FLOOZING, and I've been to so many um, questionable websites to find things like the Willie Wiggle Wand (don't click that link unless you have ANY sense of humor) in the past week it's a wonder I'm not being solicited to star in p*rn films. My Southern Baptist conscience is making me blush. (Thank you, Matthew Paul Turner of Jesus Needs New PR, for this post, making it far less embarrassing for us single Southern Baptist gals to buy toys, ahem, for our soon-to-be-married friends.)

You're going to have to wait for a full-on explanation of what De-Floozing means, but let's just say that a former beau of the bride once told her she looked like a floozy. Right before she met his parents. I kid you not. She ditched him of course, but honey, you better believe I made sure that nickname stuck!

I've learned a few more things they don't tell you when you get excited about your best friend's wedding. How about a list? I do so love a good list!

What They Don't Tell You About Planning Bachelorette Parties

1. You should have kept that feather boa you wore for Halloween freshmen year of college (when you were so delighted to discover that dressing like a hooker was completely acceptable--nay, the goal, of Halloween.)

2. It will always be embarrassing to buy anything with a cartoon pen*s on it. Even via the world wide web.

3. Getting an entire bridal party together for one weekend, post-college, is a feat comparable to climbing Everest without oxygen or digging a well with your bare hands.

4. You're going to need a glue gun.

5. Dollar Tree is the best place to purchase Mardi Gras beads. (And movie candy!) (And glow sticks!)

6. When purchasing sequiny ribbon, thread, or other Bachelorette costuming necessities from JoAnn's Fabric, make sure you're on the mailing list ahead of time. That way, when you politely ask in your I'm-buying-this-to-make-my-little-sister-a-dance-costume voice if there happen to be any coupons "hiding out somewhere," you will not be met with looks of disdain from the cashier.

7. You're going to get a whole new sex education no matter how hard you try to avoid it. I'm just saying, I definitely bought her a book called Tickle His Pickle. Yes Mom, I did.

(Related sidenote: When we were in high school, Lindsey's- that's the bride- mom would always exclaim: "HOOOPEY!" when I said things like that. My justification was the no-fail "Connie, would you rather me talk about it, or do it?" See? I win.)

8. Colored feathers come in packages of primary colors, and pink. Planning a two-tone color scheme is going to be difficult.

9. No matter how many of the party favors you make yourself, how many coupons you use, how many items you cut from the list for the sake of your meager budget, still plan on hefting that Robinhood-worthy bag of gold onto the counter at Michael's and saying: "Here, have it all! Anything for the sake of my friend's marriage!" Three words: Maxed. Out. Credit.

10. You should prepare for feelings of bitterness, with an undercurrent of jealousy, if you are single. However, you should also take notes so that when it's (finally) your (freakin') turn, your party will be the best one because you've learned the lessons already! Payback's a beautiful bitch sometimes.

11. After you've spent all your money, burned all your fingers with hot glue, vacuumed all the feathers from your apartment's floor, eaten all 3 boxes of movie candy in one sitting, thrice pricked yourself with a sewing needle, and realized that probably no one will realize all the effort you put into this, it will suddenly dawn on you that the moments you spent laughing with your other single friends while you did all it of were definitely worth it, even if the party bombs. (Which you will then pray REALLY HARD that it doesn't.)

12. Then, you'll realize that at the end of a biting and sarcastic post you just got all mushy gushy and you'll be comforted that you do have a heart in there after all.