Messy Bits

“The world needs your messy stories.”

Ann Voskamp said this once, and probably a few more times. I am encouraged by her simple admonishment.

I spent several days last week working at a women’s blogging conference. Last Wednesday evening, I sat in a ballroom filled with women who, if asked, would not have known which teams were fighting for the pennant, but they could have given you an extensive background for any one of the mommy bloggers who would step to the microphone in the days following.

In a room filled with two hundred and fifty women, nearly every last one of them is a stay-at-home mom who (sometimes) earns a second income via her blog, dedicated to some form of homemaking. I struggle hard against the claim many of these bloggers made—that as women, we are simply meant to be homemakers. I want to end this paragraph in bitter snark, but I can’t. I respect stay-at-home moms; I was raised by one. Such deep dedication to raising children is noble and it is a high calling. I suppose my problem with the whole thing is that I do not believe it’s a woman’s only calling.

{Here come some of my messy bits.}

I have known for as long as I can recall that I want to be a wife and mom. When that day arrives, I hope to have the financial freedom to stay at home with my kids, but I’ve also always imagined that I will pursue some sort of career within that context. That’s what my mom did and continues to do, successfully. I have learned from her that as her child, I am a top priority. But I’ve also learned I’m not the only priority.

You see, our Creator put passions and dreams and abilities into my mom that are vast and expansive and life-giving in ways that are not limited to her offspring. My mom is an artist and her heart is enlarged by her work. Many are blessed by her creative calling. Therefore, she pursues the gift of artwork that God has put within her to do. This pursuit is never at the expense of her children’s needs—the opposite really. Listening to her actions, I have learned that the dreams God has put in my heart matter. The passions exist with purpose. The abilities should be developed, and employed.

Now, to be fair, I should say that maybe these mommy bloggers are diverting their passions, dreams and abilities into something that makes sense within the context of their current world as homemakers. But maybe not. You have to question so many women being gifted at coupon cutting, and I have very serious doubts about God putting the dream of saving money at the grocery store into so many hearts. There’s nothing wrong with it—being a good steward of the money God’s given you is biblical. But as far as dreams go, it’s just so small. From where I sit, our Creator is not one to put small dreams in hearts. He’s a God of great glory, of mighty acts, and of miracles. He is vast.

My issue with this also (clearly) stems from the fact that I am neither married nor a mom. These facts prompt questions: If that’s all I’m meant to be, I suppose I have no purpose until I am married…? What if I never get married? Is there something wrong with me? Should I just go ahead and settle for someone who won’t necessarily create a Christ-honoring marriage with me, if only because at least I’ll be fulfilling my purpose as a woman? Would that be glorifying, or would it be me trying to fit God into my box of an idea for how my life “should” play out? If I marry only for the sake of marriage and family, but against my gut judgment about the man, isn’t that doubting God? Wouldn’t I then be failing to trust him with my life’s purpose? Aren’t these mothers who raise their daughters to be homemakers precisely because they are female, limiting their daughters’ and their own understanding of our infinite God?

For many years I had a very specific picture of what my future would look like with a man I thought would be my husband. It matched much of the day-to-day these women live. But that particular future didn’t happen, and even after I knew it wouldn’t, I held on to hope for it, to my detriment. Rather than strive for an imagined life with that man, I had to move forward with my own life, on my own.

I want to live a life that is open to the changes God puts before me. He works in seasons and so “I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes,” as Don Miller once wrote. Sometimes that means letting go of expectations or very specific dreams; sometimes it means opening your heart to the bigger dreams of God. It’s my experience that God doesn’t ever play my life out the way I imagine it. His ways are better, and they’re also vastly different.

But different in the hands of an incomparable and infinite God is a different I can embrace.