Everybody Lies

I've become a fan of the Fox show House. At first I didn't really get the appeal of a doctor with no bedside manner to speak of, making snarky remarks to patients and coworkers. Then again, I am fan of snarkiness, which would explain how I was easily hooked. In case you're not a fan, the show revolves around Dr. Gregory House, a cynical, sarcastic, brilliant man. Each episode is centered around House and his team figuring out off-the-wall illnesses in patients with often bizarre symptoms. House's inability to be honest with himself, but insistent brutal honesty with his friends, is a continual theme.

I can't stop considering the implications of a recent episode. A husband/father suddenly becomes incapable of keeping his thoughts to himself. Everything running through his mind is spoken aloud-- from sexual fantasies to what he really thinks about his wife's job. When asked questions, he can't stop himself from speaking the whole truth. The problem is, his thought life reveals him to be a completely different person from the loving and upright character he has projected most of his life. The man practically tells his young daughter she is stupid. He tells his wife, a non-profit fundraiser, that he thinks people who are incapable of doing great things try to make up for it by supporting the great ideas of other people. He makes wide, sweeping judgements of everything his wife does, breaking her heart.

QUESTIONS I don't want to ask myself:

1. Do my actions and words reflect my thoughts or do they cover up my thoughts? Well, that depends on the situation. Unfortunately.

I am often outspoken about authenticity. I really hate it when people are inauthentic. And yet...

2. How often do I let people see who I really am?

3. How often do my thoughts go unspoken because they're filled with bitterness and hurtful words?

Sure, I'll spout off my true opinions about the design of marketing materials at work and if we're friends, I'll tell you when I believe you're making a bad decision in your relationship and I'll let you know if I think your actions are based on something deeper that you're unwilling to confront. And I expect you to do the same for me, if we're friends. (Don't get any bright ideas, Random Acquaintance!)

What I Won't Say Out Loud:
I won't say that your new haircut looks like a drug-addict cut it with dull scissors. I won't tell you that when you try to be cute and wear baby doll dresses, you actually do look like a five year old, save your gargantuan boobs spilling over in everyone's faces. (Seriously, if you have big boobs, you NEED this bra, and only this bra. You're welcome.) I won't say that I know you're judging my relationship, but I'm not so keen on yours either. I won't say all the petty cut downs that run through my head when I hear what you said when I wasn't around, and I won't say there's a reason I'm more successful than you. But damn it if I don't think every last one of those.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what that says about me. Because, get real, we all think mean things. Does the fact that I don't say those thoughts mean I have tact? Yes, on some levels. On other levels-- you know, the deeper ones that are kind of painful to confront-- it means my thought life isn't what I want it to be. I don't want to be the person who smiles at you and says "Oh you look fabulous!" and is actually thinking Oh dear God, that panty line. Can we say thong anyone? That's just getting far too Southern for me.

In the end of the House episode, the man is "cured" of his inability to keep things to himself. His wife, whose whole person was slashed by her husband the previous day, shows up to take him home. "I was promoted today," she tells him. "That's great!" He smiles and she escorts him to the car, going on as though nothing ever happened, while everyone knows it's not what he really thinks. Because you see, it's easier to lie to ourselves too, to tell ourselves that the hurtful truths our loved ones say to us aren't really them. It's easier, isn't it, to believe their lies? It's easier to believe our own lies within our own hearts.

I AM SO TACTFUL!

No, I'm not.

What I think and what I do are, too often, very different.

Hebrews tell us that "Jesus doesn't change...He's always totally himself." (Hebrews 13.8, msg)

I want to always be totally myself, you see. Because everybody does lie. But I don't want to.