Up or Down?

Recently, a friend had an epiphany of sorts. It's a simple idea, really, but one we as a society fail to grasp in our day-to-day lives. He spoke about the choice we have to make about how we view each day-- do we look up, focusing on what is good, hopeful and worthwhile, or do we look down, maintaining a perspective of all that is wrong in our individual world while grasping at things that don't matter in the long run?

Both this friend and I are going through seasons of change and are both unhappy with where we currently "stand" in life. We had this conversation on the phone while I was on a business trip doing a job that I find completely unfulfilling. I am not challenged and will wilt inside without challenge. So, I have a very poor attitude towards all things related to my job. In short, I'm looking down. I find myself waking up in the morning thinking only of how much I hate the way my day is about to be wasted on my miserable job.

...how much I hate, my day, my job. Everything about that is selfish. In reality, my job is incredibly helpful to many people who are overwhelmed in their current state of life transition. In reality, I have a regular paycheck in an unstable economy, I work for an organization that believes in values I solidly support, and I'm able to travel extensively on my company's dime.

Why then, does my attitude always come down to the fact that I'm bored? I don't want to be a selfish, miserable person who can't see that she's part of a really good thing. However, I strongly believe that when you do what you love, when you are fulfilled doing what you love, you then become a more positive influence on everyone around you and on the world in which you move.

I find this quote profound:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

--Howard Thurman

Howard Thurman was the dean of the chapel at both Howard University and Boston University. He was a civil rights activist and pastor who brought people together. He worked for principles he believed in and did what the loved and in so doing changed the lives of countless individuals. He came alive and he brought others with him.

I'm still trying to figure out my perspective on my life right now. I suppose the lesson I'm learning is to see that I am blessed-- I have a job, a paycheck and a chance to see many new places-- but also, I need to do something that I love, something that enlivens me and therefore emboldens others to pursue what makes them come alive.

The hard part then, is figuring out what that thing is.

A hard place

I hate that my first blog will be about what's hard, but isn't it always the hard things that push us back to what we love? I love to write. I love the stability I feel when the words begin to flow, and so I find myself here at the computer, aching to pour words out.

For some reason, I have found it hard to do what I love during a time when my day is mostly wasted on the things I hate. So blessed long since I have written for the sake of it.

I am disappointed in my new job, but also in myself. I had a boyfriend once tell me that my propensity towards quick, life-changing decisions scared him. I suppose that is what took me away from him physically at first, and ultimately forever. It was a legitimate fear and one I should have paid more attention to, perhaps. I made the decision to return to the south where I grew up, after a blessed year out west, because a single job was offered to me. It looked decent on paper-- mostly the benefits, not the pay so much; but it was twice what I had been making in the restaurant and it was a regular paycheck. Now I feel miserable, but at least with the hope that I am not trapped here in this job or in this city.

I want so much to own my life. It seems that I have allowed it to belong to people who think they know what is best for me. I have come to that point of growing up where I don't feel as though I have to listen to everything other people think I ought. I need to make some big decisions all by myself, even if they are mistakes, so I can establish my own life and know that I have done a thing by myself, for myself.

I like being on the road, where my day-to-day actions aren't accountable to other people.